When Men were Manhandled!!!!!!!!!

According to the Bible on the 6^th day of Genesis God created man in his own image to have dominance over all the fishes in water, birds in sky and all other creatures on the Earth. But what happens to the man the protector of others when he himself gets betrayed and abused as a child or adolescent by his fellow members whether from family, a friend or any near dear one whom he trusts. Well, the question remains unanswered as the type of society in which we live in, such things are generally hidden and shrugged off when encountered or are spoken in hushed voices thinking that if these things are catered then the evil will be unleashed enervating the society making it a lot weaker and eventually tarnishing the glorified image of men but by not listening to such voices we are just fueling the acts of molestation as the abuser knows that he/she will not be charged of being guilty, thus giving him/her more impetus. I am here to discuss about the least talked about topic of the stigma of Male Child Abuse.

Though child abuse is quite prevalent in society and many celebrities like Oprah Winfrey, Tyler Perry etc. have been the victims who have come out of their closets; the girl child abuse is a burning topic of debate but the male child abuse is a topic, which is rarely discussed.

Well, there have been and continue to happen cases of girl child molestation by men but you will be shocked to learn about the fact that 1 out of every 6 male child gets abused and 90% of the abusers are not strangers but are known to the victim. A child molester can be anybody a male or a female. When a girl child is sexually abused then it is termed as rape but when a male child is molested by an older female then the boy is said to have got lucky by being initiated so early but any type of unwanted sexual activity is termed as molestation. I must say, thankfully the girl child abuse comes to surface and people demand for justice but what happens to the cases where a boy gets betrayed by his trusted ones, does the society in which we live in has any answer for the lost childhood of that boy, instead of asking for justice and sympathising, people shush such rising voices, as we live in such a society where the sexist belief that men, even as children, are invulnerable to sexual victimisation stops many people from believing male survivors of sexual abuse, or from taking the abuse seriously. Homophobia is at the root of the widespread view of male-to-male sexual abuse as sex, and the victim as a “faggot.”

Both of these oppressive belief systems are routinely communicated to children. They leave male sexual abuse survivors confused and ashamed about the abuse, their gender, and sexuality. These belief systems effectively silence abused boys, and stop them from being believed. Even psychotherapists, can overlook the possibility of sexual abuse and incest in male clients reserving that possibility only for female clients.

There are several factors that are the basis for creating the atmosphere that allows child abuse like seeing children as a property, teaching children that they are helpless and not to question authority, the sexual entitlement given to the adults that they can do anything to satiate their carnal desires and ultimately the shroud of secrecy around sex amongst children as many people think that if we teach children about mechanics of sex we are telling them to have sex. Though, information is considered dangerous, and in a sense, it is but it destroys myths, it allows people to make choices, and permits them to grow up and act as adults rather than keep them as shameful children around sex and sensuality.

Talking about boyhood sexual abuse and its aftermath for men can be difficult, even painful. But such talk is absolutely essential. The things happened in past definitely shape our future. The past is a mirror through which our future gets reflected. So, is the case with these victims who have had such troublesome childhood, which clearly gets visible in their lives ahead. The victim starts confusing affection with abuse, desire with tenderness, sexually abused boys often become men who have difficulty distinguishing among sex, love, nurturance, affection, and abuse. Some of the common areas of life which may get impacted are

·      Confusion about sexual orientation

·      Difficulties with sexual functioning

·      Difficulties with intimacy

·      Dependency or misuse of drugs, alcohol

·      Self harm and harm of others

·      Flashbacks, anxiety, nightmares, anger, shame and guilt etc.

Such effects leave the victim in a deep dark ditch of hopelessness.

Well, there are many myths as well related to male child sexual abuse, some of the facts revoking these myths are as following:

·      Boys and men can be sexually used or abused, and it has nothing to do with how masculine they are.

·      If a boy liked the attention he was getting, or got sexually aroused during abuse, or even sometimes wanted the attention or sexual contact, this does not mean he wanted or liked being manipulated or abused, or that any part of what happened, in any way, was his responsibility or fault.

·      Sexual abuse harms boys and girls in ways that are similar and different, but equally harmful.

·      The sexual abuse of boys has nothing to do with an abuser’s sexual orientation.

·      A boy abused by a male is not necessarily gay, nor was he abused because he’s not gay, nor can the abuse make him gay.

·      Girls and women can sexually abuse boys. The boys are not “lucky,” but exploited and harmed.

·      Most boys who are sexually abused will not go on to sexually abuse others.

Believing these myths is understandable, but dangerous and harmful, and needs to be overcome.

Briefly, I want to say a few things about treatment and recovery from sexual abuse. YES, it is possible. The earlier that treatment begins, the better. It is never too late to heal. Recovering from sexual abuse is not fast, nor particularly easy. There are a lot of pain and feelings that have to emerge and be expressed on the road to recovery. The goal is to recover your childhood, reclaim your body, and heal your self-identity.

Find a competent psychotherapist, preferably one who has experience working with male victims of sexual abuse. Just because a therapist works with women who were sexually abused does not mean he is experienced or competent working with male victims of sexual abuse. While there is a lot of overlap in treatment, there are substantial differences as well. Individual psychotherapy is the best place to start. Group therapy in addition to individual is very healing, but group work alone is not enough. Life partners of such victims have to be very loving and caring.

Well, whether a girl or a boy has been abused sexually the effects are hazardous for both. The society has made men the ones who are raised to deny and mask their emotions. They are expected to be “strong,” productive, physically active, and concerned with making money. There is little room for them to feel scared, vulnerable, or sad. Anger is often the only outlet offered to men. Abused men who act out of their anger often end up in the criminal justice system.

Other men numb themselves to the pain of their abuse, telling themselves that it wasn’t so bad, or hoping it will just go away. They may end up in psychiatric institutions, or in drug and alcohol treatment programs. Either way, they are invisible as sexual abuse and incest survivors, leaving them alone, depressed, angry, and without appropriate support and treatment. I can just say that though “Mard ko dard nahi hota ya phir wo dikhata nahin” the life of a man tantamount to that of a woman or rather is a bit more tortuous as he is not allowed to vent out his apprehensions, thus making his life hell!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to wind up now by saying that though it is a male driven society and we generally hear about injustice done to the fairer group of society but there are areas where males are also being manhandled and such cases are meant to be dealt with utter sensitivity and care and lastly we need to speak as “ Silence perpetuates silence and Speaking creates Awareness”.

PS:  Some excerpts i have taken from some articles online in this post. Watch two hundred men courageously stand together to say they were all molested. Watch this landmark episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show in its entirety.  Link to Oprah's Child Abuse full episode.